Jecca Zane
Sandra 1The Henchmen and Women of Connex
August 8th 2007 04:46
Revenue Protection Officers or Met Cops as I like to call them are interesting life forms that share their genealogy with other strange specimens such as: Parking inspectors, boundary umpires, auditors, executioners, footpath preachers and telemarketers.
They are the tax collectors of a French company that is more concerned with eating soft cheeses than meeting its obligatory requirements. Trains are supposed to be no more than 5 minutes and fifty nine seconds late, ninety eight percent of trains have to roll into they stations the expected in and their performance has to be better than that of 1998. Since they haven’t done any of this, the pocket money they are supposed to receive from the Government has been deducted by about $62 million since 2004.
This is where the Met Cops swoop in like Robin Hood to rob from the poor and give to the French. My calculations say that in order to recoup all these lost funds: 413,333.33 fines at a rate of $150 each would have to be issued and collected. Has any one else noticed a lot more Met Cops lately?
They are like lepers repelling people as they walk through their jurisdiction of trains, train stations and the Puffing Billy. They stride through crowds with their orthopaedic shoes, their junior detective badges and their coats stained blue from all the tears they have extracted from commuters.
But don’t be fooled by their appearance as caricatures of real police. They do have some powers.
• The power to ask to see your ticket even after you have left the vehicle. (Does not apply to vehicles such as tandem bicycles, rollercoasters or paddlesteamers)
• The power to ask for your name and address if you do not show a valid ticket (A ticket for a meat raffle is not a valid ticket)
• The power to ask for evidence to confirm your identity ( A semen sample may not be sufficient)
• The power to arrest you until satisfied such evidence confirms your identity (A semen sample if you went for that one takes about two weeks to get back “from the labs”)
• The power to arrest you until the Police arrive if you refuse to comply ( An example of refusing to comply is: not lying face down on the ground while Henchmen A performs the arm lock on you he learnt when he was a Bouncer, before he was fired because he couldn’t work the clicker. Note: Rail Tram and Bus Union state secretary Trevor Dobbyn wants all Ticket Inspectors to start carrying handcuffs. Trev says: “The argument is that handcuffs will take a lot of the theatre out of that." That being: the breaking of a would be fare evaders arm. What kind of depraved theatre do you attend Mr. Dobbyn?)
• Confiscate tickets for use as evidence if they believe an offence has occurred (This is when you want to hide the winning meat raffle ticket)
Now real powers are things like:
• Moving large objects such as Tanks and Buildings with your mind.
• Firing lasers out of your eyes that can cut steel.
• Teleportation from out of a Lead Box
• Ninja
• Time Travel
But I digress. A “305” is code for “feet on furniture or other part of the carriage other than the floor”. A friend of mine deduced this when her and her five accomplices were called just that. Not all of the Public Transport Authorised Officers have studied the secret handbook and the rookie present at the time had to be informed of its hidden meaning. Imagine the taunts his fellow would have wittily bestowed upon him. They probably nicknamed him “305” and if they didn’t, well they should have.
Although it is a rare occurrence; Met Cops are allowed to use discretion when giving out fines. It’s all in their Code of Conduct:
• They have to use appropriate language, no swearing, and also to use discretion when dealing with a member of the public, who has special needs, is a tourist or who is really old.
• They have to show you their badge if you ask them
• They have to tell you their name and how to contact them if you so desire
• If no possible opportunity has presented itself where a passenger can purchase or validate a ticket because of faulty ticket machine or because they are on a crowded bus, train or tram, then they can’t fine you!
• And finally they cant search your bags even if you let them
Usually they simply whip up a “Report of Non Compliance” or a “RONC” as it’s called in the business, with all your details, send it off to the Department of Infrastructure and leave you with an exciting wait for your personalised fine by your letterbox. On this fine day my friend was able to melt the icy heart of a Revenue Protection Officer and get away with a stern warning. The other “305”s are sitting by their letterboxes as you read this.
The moral of the story is: buy a ticket because Connex really needs the Money and they don’t mind hiring Goons to break your arm in order to get it. But if you don’t and you get fined and all the literary skills of Dickens have failed to have your impingement cancelled by the Department of Infrastructure, then bloody well pay it. Because under the Infringements Act of 2006, Section 160, 1: “ The Court may order that the infringement offender be imprisoned for a period of one day in respect of each penalty unit, or part of a penalty unit, to which the amount of the outstanding fines under the infringement warrant or warrants is an equivalent amount.”
And we all know from American History X that prison is never fun, unless you’re in Prison with Morgan Freeman and then you could tunnel out through a wall and go to Mexico. In that case; the whole thing would be uplifting and thought provoking.
They are the tax collectors of a French company that is more concerned with eating soft cheeses than meeting its obligatory requirements. Trains are supposed to be no more than 5 minutes and fifty nine seconds late, ninety eight percent of trains have to roll into they stations the expected in and their performance has to be better than that of 1998. Since they haven’t done any of this, the pocket money they are supposed to receive from the Government has been deducted by about $62 million since 2004.
This is where the Met Cops swoop in like Robin Hood to rob from the poor and give to the French. My calculations say that in order to recoup all these lost funds: 413,333.33 fines at a rate of $150 each would have to be issued and collected. Has any one else noticed a lot more Met Cops lately?
They are like lepers repelling people as they walk through their jurisdiction of trains, train stations and the Puffing Billy. They stride through crowds with their orthopaedic shoes, their junior detective badges and their coats stained blue from all the tears they have extracted from commuters.
But don’t be fooled by their appearance as caricatures of real police. They do have some powers.
• The power to ask to see your ticket even after you have left the vehicle. (Does not apply to vehicles such as tandem bicycles, rollercoasters or paddlesteamers)
• The power to ask for your name and address if you do not show a valid ticket (A ticket for a meat raffle is not a valid ticket)
• The power to ask for evidence to confirm your identity ( A semen sample may not be sufficient)
• The power to arrest you until satisfied such evidence confirms your identity (A semen sample if you went for that one takes about two weeks to get back “from the labs”)
• The power to arrest you until the Police arrive if you refuse to comply ( An example of refusing to comply is: not lying face down on the ground while Henchmen A performs the arm lock on you he learnt when he was a Bouncer, before he was fired because he couldn’t work the clicker. Note: Rail Tram and Bus Union state secretary Trevor Dobbyn wants all Ticket Inspectors to start carrying handcuffs. Trev says: “The argument is that handcuffs will take a lot of the theatre out of that." That being: the breaking of a would be fare evaders arm. What kind of depraved theatre do you attend Mr. Dobbyn?)
• Confiscate tickets for use as evidence if they believe an offence has occurred (This is when you want to hide the winning meat raffle ticket)
Now real powers are things like:
• Moving large objects such as Tanks and Buildings with your mind.
• Firing lasers out of your eyes that can cut steel.
• Teleportation from out of a Lead Box
• Ninja
• Time Travel
But I digress. A “305” is code for “feet on furniture or other part of the carriage other than the floor”. A friend of mine deduced this when her and her five accomplices were called just that. Not all of the Public Transport Authorised Officers have studied the secret handbook and the rookie present at the time had to be informed of its hidden meaning. Imagine the taunts his fellow would have wittily bestowed upon him. They probably nicknamed him “305” and if they didn’t, well they should have.
Although it is a rare occurrence; Met Cops are allowed to use discretion when giving out fines. It’s all in their Code of Conduct:
• They have to use appropriate language, no swearing, and also to use discretion when dealing with a member of the public, who has special needs, is a tourist or who is really old.
• They have to show you their badge if you ask them
• They have to tell you their name and how to contact them if you so desire
• If no possible opportunity has presented itself where a passenger can purchase or validate a ticket because of faulty ticket machine or because they are on a crowded bus, train or tram, then they can’t fine you!
• And finally they cant search your bags even if you let them
Usually they simply whip up a “Report of Non Compliance” or a “RONC” as it’s called in the business, with all your details, send it off to the Department of Infrastructure and leave you with an exciting wait for your personalised fine by your letterbox. On this fine day my friend was able to melt the icy heart of a Revenue Protection Officer and get away with a stern warning. The other “305”s are sitting by their letterboxes as you read this.
The moral of the story is: buy a ticket because Connex really needs the Money and they don’t mind hiring Goons to break your arm in order to get it. But if you don’t and you get fined and all the literary skills of Dickens have failed to have your impingement cancelled by the Department of Infrastructure, then bloody well pay it. Because under the Infringements Act of 2006, Section 160, 1: “ The Court may order that the infringement offender be imprisoned for a period of one day in respect of each penalty unit, or part of a penalty unit, to which the amount of the outstanding fines under the infringement warrant or warrants is an equivalent amount.”
And we all know from American History X that prison is never fun, unless you’re in Prison with Morgan Freeman and then you could tunnel out through a wall and go to Mexico. In that case; the whole thing would be uplifting and thought provoking.
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