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Secret Melbourne - August 2007

The night of the bleeding Moon

August 30th 2007 23:36
I recently wrote of the primal forces exerted by the star that fades our jeans: the Sun. Last night I was to feel another wave of primal force coming from a different orbiting body: the Moon and in particular its full phase.

Now we all know the power the Moon wields over the earth and it’s dwellers; The Sea’s infatuation with the White Orb causes it to gather up it’s waters, reel them back from the beaches and cliffs of the world, stack them all up, whales and sea snails too, in an effort to touch it. Moths venture upwards expiring kilometres from the ground just to free fall back down again on their way to bash themselves against it. Owls and Kiwis come out side with their big eyes to greet it, like the kids leaving Revolver on a Sunny Monday. And not to mention your crazy uncle that no one talks about screaming from his inside his leather shackles in that institution the children dare each other to jump the fence of on nights like this one.


Mythology is rife with tales of creatures using shards of the moon plucked from the night air to turn themselves into ungodly fiends. The root of their indecency coming just after the street lights start breathing yellow onto the roads.

The Moon sends Werewolves out to remove limbs and skin from their daylight cousins. Vampires float about draining the claret from their previous living incarnations and Batman invokes the spirit of a Bat to leap from buildings onto the form of the criminal world.

So when my progress through Richmond’s industrial flank became lit by a haemorrhaging moon I craned my neck skywards with a sinister curiosity. It was soaked in blood, lacerated by our planet on its glancing orbit, like a stabbing in the lunch queue of a prison. If I had a pair of wings affixed to my shoulder blades I would have beat them like Icarus did, in an effort to reach it.


School nights are usually marked with a lack of people on the streets and Tuesday was no different, but it wasn’t the effect of the people on the outside, it was the outside’s effect on the people.

I heard sounds rush towards me from suburbs away. Laughter leapt over rows of offices and factories, like a burglar fleeing over backyard fences, to enter my ears and cause sound.

I saw the old instincts light up in passers by. Their dark suspicious eyes flicked all over me, their white knuckles bending their fingers to fists.

The night had been infected with an undeniable presence. The scathed Moon had let fly with the vengeance the earth had provoked on its way past and I was amongst it.

I rushed from the old streets into Richmond Station, onto a train bound for Sandringham and with hair beginning to blot on the colour of skin on the backs of my hands and fangs protruding over my bottom lip that I turned the lady next to me and asked if she had seen the eclipse.










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Bikes in Boxes

August 30th 2007 02:10
Big W sells Bikes in Boxes; they are the IKEA of the bicycling world.

My Girlfriend's sister made the decision to upgrade her mode of transport from the pads of her feet to the seat of a bike and it was this decision that led me to meet her on the corner of Swanston and Lonsdale on a cold Melbourne afternoon


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The Pagan in you

August 28th 2007 23:08
Summer nearly rhymes with trumpet. And as close as those two could be to being a poetic match, is the proximity of summer

I was outside today replenishing my depleted vitamin D levels and thought a thought


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The Lone Goon-Bag Piper

August 23rd 2007 04:28
On the corner of Collins and Elizabeth sits the lone piper wringing a haunting tune from his pipes.

The lone piper; Brendan has been busking in Melbourne for about 20 years but has only been sending these drones through the city and surrounds with his Dag Pipes for just one


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The lost art of the Good Call

August 17th 2007 07:26
It seems to me that these days the “Good Call” has done the Harold Holt from regular banter and found itself as rare as Hen’s Teeth.

Whether it’s the old, flog the dead horse, treatment with the use of the four letter ones, the devolution of language to suit the needs of a populous obsessed with infantile colouring books and television shows dressed up like actual culture or the devastating effects of the ingestion and regurgitation of all the profound offerings we receive from the Septic Tanks through the magic boxes inhabiting our wrists, phones and head rests


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Levi's Stress

August 15th 2007 02:23
Disaster struck in the form of disintegration of my jeans at a recent gathering.


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www.myspace.com/theespy
THE FUTURE HAS A KEYBOARD GUITAR
Last night I was introduced to the Future of Music.

It happened in the Gershwin Room of the Esplanade Hotel around 11.30. The name of the beast was and still is


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Parmagaina-rama

August 11th 2007 06:49
The 5:37 from Old Museum Station, now gone the way of Spenser Street and written in white on blue as Melbourne Central, is going West to Footscray the first pit stop on my journey to Parmagaina-rama.

This secret is just that: a secret, because of its omission from the directory of all its kind, good and bad: The Super Parma guide. The Parma Sutra. A fantastic website dedicated to that which I am to indulge in tonight, the meal borne from that place in Italy no one can pronounce. Made when a Pig meets a Chicken and they invite cheese as well


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The Yarra's island resort

August 11th 2007 06:09
MATURE CONTENT
   


The Henchmen and Women of Connex

August 8th 2007 04:46
Revenue Protection Officers or Met Cops as I like to call them are interesting life forms that share their genealogy with other strange specimens such as: Parking inspectors, boundary umpires, auditors, executioners, footpath preachers and telemarketers.

They are the tax collectors of a French company that is more concerned with eating soft cheeses than meeting its obligatory requirements. Trains are supposed to be no more than 5 minutes and fifty nine seconds late, ninety eight percent of trains have to roll into they stations the expected in and their performance has to be better than that of 1998. Since they haven’t done any of this, the pocket money they are supposed to receive from the Government has been deducted by about $62 million since 2004


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Melbournian trams suffer the pain of a Victorian class system. They are forced to frequent suburbs according to their caste. It is a cruel feudal system where the quality of the tram running on each route is determined by the wealth and class of the suburbs it passes and especially that of the suburb at its extremes.

This became apparent to me when I made the switch from the West to the East like a young defecting capitalist after the fall of the Berlin wall. A move that saw a change of tram routes; from the 57 to the 109


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George in the sky with Diamonds

August 6th 2007 01:24
MATURE CONTENT
   


Hosies Tavern

August 3rd 2007 08:44
At one of the busiest junctions in the city, where the Wurundjeri people would have seen a creek run into the Yarra, long before the first cobble of Elizabeth Street was dropped into the mud is a place with an almost entirely male patronage.

The Wurundjeri might have been primitive, but the men that frequent this place today are just crude tools


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